Halo! Thank all of you who took the time to leave a comment on my last post. It’s such a wonderful feeling to read all your kind words and good wishes. You are all so nice. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling so sad and now my chest hurts really bad like it’s cracking open. I have so much going on in my head that I don’t even know where to start to tell you. I feel like there are so many things wrong with me though everyone thinks I’m fine.
First of all, I have so much anger and disappointments in my life that I find it difficult to put in words. It makes me literally shake and it haunts me every day. It’s crazy how one little thing could ruin my whole mood easily. So much unneeded rage and it’s starting to get to me. No one sees it, of course, because I taught myself not to show my anger in public or when there are other people around me.
Well, I can control my anger to the point where I don’t explode every time I get angry, but I cannot let my anger go either. I mean, whenever I’m angry at someone or something, I try very hard not to show it because the logical part in my brain suspects it’s an overreaction and I know that when I do explode, I will end up saying hurtful things. I don’t really want to hurt anyone so I just keep it bottled and stored up to avoid all that.
I hold my tongue and go to a place where there’s no one present. I go lock myself so I can smash things up and throw them against the wall, and then I spend the next few hours crying my heart out like a pathetic loser. The truth is, I do feel better after smashing things and crying for hours. Weird thing is, I don’t think that help much because the next time I get angry, the logical part of me will try to reason me, but it always ends up just making me angrier and angrier. So, it’s kind of useless.
Throwing things against the wall is just never enough. If something angers me beyond all reasons, I always think of beating up the person that hurt me and screaming right at their face. I never actually do that though. I have not yelled at anyone or smashed at anyone’s face, but still I feel like doing that. I want someone I hate to know how they’ve made me feel and punish them for it—I want to see them in pain, but I have no guts to do that. I know it’s not an acceptable way to behave so instead of yelling at them, hitting them or anything, I just hurt myself. I stuff my anger deep down inside and go to my room, hating myself, crying like a stupid loser, but that also just makes me angrier that I’m not free to express myself. And now I’m at the point where the smallest things can piss me off.
Oh, my God... I have extremely outbursts of anger and it’s scaring the heck out of me. I have no other way to express it and I don’t know what to do. I don’t actively seek dangerous situations though, but it has also come to the point where a small part of me hopes that I will be attacked so that I can legally fight back because I know that I have someone I can take all my anger out on and finally be rid of it.
I can’t bring myself to tell friends and family about this. I just can’t tell anyone. I feel worse and worse day by day, but I have no one to talk to about this because I don’t have a brother or sister. I don’t really have many friends and I’m a shy person. I get nervous easily. I don’t feel comfortable to ask people for help. I hate going out to places. Sometimes I think I may have anxiety too, but maybe it’s just my personality because I have always been a shy person, and I hate it so much.
I know that therapy is a probably a good idea, but for therapy to work, you have to want to make the change to be better, right? And that’s not what I want. What I want is to be able to express all my anger and fully explode. I don’t really want to let my anger go. But my conscience knows that’s wrong – I know that it isn’t socially acceptable, but knowing all this doesn’t change that what I want the most is to be able to release all my anger on someone I hate and to make them feel the way they make me feel.
I know I need help from a professional before I go crazy and do anything reckless. I’m so tired and I'm scared. I really don’t like being angry all the time. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling for me and it’s not pleasant for the people around me. All of this anger often leads to self-hatred, but at the same time, I really don’t want to let it go. I just want to be balanced and be able to express my anger in a way that satisfies me but isn’t detrimental to anyone or anything. Unfortunately, that seems to be quite impossible. I don't know what to do.