Halo, everyone. How are you? I hope you're all doing great. I know it's been a while since I've written a blog post—I apologize. To be fair, I didn't feel like writing another post again for a few months. Uh, well, eventually I learnt I had to let that attitude go.
There are many times when I am all alone and everything is quiet, especially at night, I start questioning myself about my life, like… why my life is so hard and my struggles so arduous. A big part of me cannot understand why I have to face so many problems that seem to never end and why I can’t just live a less stressful life, but the more I think about it, the more I get so frustrated, and then I end up crying myself to sleep like a sad, sad little girl. How silly.
I know that nobody has a perfect life and that everyone has at least one problem in their life, of course. But to be honest, I am so sick of my family problems and my own too. I’m sick that they can’t act their age. I’m sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I’m tired of trying and not getting any results. I don’t know how long I can hold on. It seems like things just keep getting worse for me. I feel like… I’m being trapped in quicksands. I am thankful that my head is above the sand so I can still see, hear, breathe and speak, but I know I’m about to drown and I don’t know what to do. If I move, I will sink deeper. And that makes me feel afraid and worried. I’m worried if I do something, it will cause me nothing but even more trouble. I know I have to think and act fast in order to save my life, but heck, I’m stuck and I’m too afraid to do anything.
I remember when I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a grown woman. I thought I would live a great, wonderful life. I thought being an adult was easy and fun. And now that I am years older, I realize that living a life isn’t always easy and fun. The fact is, there are always ups and downs that can be too difficult to overcome. That’s just the way it is. And I don’t think I’m ready for this. But life just doesn’t care. Ready or not, it still goes on and I have no other choice but face it on my own. There’s no other way. I have to be brave and think very carefully about my next move and make sure it’s the right one for me, or else… I’ll be drowning deeper and it will be much harder to get myself out of the “quicksands”. I can’t count on anyone else but me to get out of all of these messed up family stuff. And to do so I think I have to calm myself the heck down so I can think clearer then I'll know what I have to do.
There are many times when I am all alone and everything is quiet, especially at night, I start questioning myself about my life, like… why my life is so hard and my struggles so arduous. A big part of me cannot understand why I have to face so many problems that seem to never end and why I can’t just live a less stressful life, but the more I think about it, the more I get so frustrated, and then I end up crying myself to sleep like a sad, sad little girl. How silly.
I know that nobody has a perfect life and that everyone has at least one problem in their life, of course. But to be honest, I am so sick of my family problems and my own too. I’m sick that they can’t act their age. I’m sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I’m tired of trying and not getting any results. I don’t know how long I can hold on. It seems like things just keep getting worse for me. I feel like… I’m being trapped in quicksands. I am thankful that my head is above the sand so I can still see, hear, breathe and speak, but I know I’m about to drown and I don’t know what to do. If I move, I will sink deeper. And that makes me feel afraid and worried. I’m worried if I do something, it will cause me nothing but even more trouble. I know I have to think and act fast in order to save my life, but heck, I’m stuck and I’m too afraid to do anything.
I remember when I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a grown woman. I thought I would live a great, wonderful life. I thought being an adult was easy and fun. And now that I am years older, I realize that living a life isn’t always easy and fun. The fact is, there are always ups and downs that can be too difficult to overcome. That’s just the way it is. And I don’t think I’m ready for this. But life just doesn’t care. Ready or not, it still goes on and I have no other choice but face it on my own. There’s no other way. I have to be brave and think very carefully about my next move and make sure it’s the right one for me, or else… I’ll be drowning deeper and it will be much harder to get myself out of the “quicksands”. I can’t count on anyone else but me to get out of all of these messed up family stuff. And to do so I think I have to calm myself the heck down so I can think clearer then I'll know what I have to do.
I know this sounds like I’m complaining and whining a lot. I am so sorry to bore you with this post, but I am desperate of the situation that I’m facing right now. It’s been overwhelming the past few years and I don’t have anyone to talk to about almost everything. As some of you may know, I’m shy and awkward. It isn’t so easy for me to open up to anyone and tell them how I feel. I don’t have any courage to express myself bluntly like that. Not to my friends or even my parents. Most of the time, I just keep everything myself.
Lucky me, I have a best friend: my blog. It’s easier for me to pour down my feelings and thoughts here. It’s a plain white boring blog, but it’s the only place I have where I can express how I feel and write about all the things I’ve been through in my life. When I start to type my thoughts, I feel completely relaxed and loose, knowing that I can totally be myself and nobody bothers me here. I don’t need to act as if everything is okay when it’s not or pretend to be what I’m not. Here, I am free to be me, to say all the things I need to say and to express myself, of course.
Did I ever think about suicide? Well, there are times when I’m tired of getting my hopes up and end up feeling disappointed or trying so hard to achieve a goal and end up failing. There are numerous of times where I feel desperate about my life, but I never think about suicide. I don’t want to be one of those people who’s easily give up on life.
Right now, I am unhappy with how my life turned out to be, but I still believe that I will have a good life and live a happy life one day. I don’t know when, but I have this very strong feeling of hope towards the future. If I give up now by ending my life, then I will be the biggest loser on earth. Giving up on life is not the solution I’m seeking to my every problem. It obviously won’t solve my problems. It will only cause another problem, and another and another. I already have enough problems here. I don’t need a new one.
