Quicksand

Halo, everyone. How are you? I hope you're all doing great. I know it's been a while since I've written a blog post, no apologize. To be fair, I didn't feel like writing another post again for a few months. Uh, well, eventually I learned I had to let that attitude go. 

There are many times when I am all alone and everything is quiet, especially at night, I start questioning myself about my life, like… why my life is so hard and my struggles so arduous. A big part of me cannot understand why I have to face so many problems that seem to never end and why I can’t just live a less stressful life, but the more I think about it, the more I get so frustrated, and then I end up crying myself to sleep like a sad, sad little girl. How silly. 

I know that nobody has a perfect life and that everyone has at least one problem in their life, of course. But to be honest, I am so sick of my family problems and my own too. I’m sick that they can’t act their age. I’m sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I’m tired of trying and not getting any results. I don’t know how long I can hold on. It seems like things just keep getting worse for me. 

I feel like… I’m being trapped in quicksands. I am thankful that my head is above the sand so I can still see, hear, breathe and speak, but I know I’m about to drown and I don’t know what to do. If I move, I will sink deeper. And that makes me feel afraid and worried. I’m worried if I do something, it will cause me nothing but even more trouble. I know I have to think and act fast in order to save my life, but heck, I’m stuck and I’m too afraid to do anything.

Escaping To Bali

Halo, cutes! How are you all doing? I hope everything is going awesome with you guys. Eh, guess what? I ran away from home… AGAIN, haha. So, my cool friend who lives in Kuala Lumpur texted me on Tuesday night, saying she would be in Bali with her 2 other friends by the weekend and she invited me to join her 5 days trip.

The first thing that popped into my mind was my awkwardness around new people. All my life, I’ve sheltered myself. I never have many friends since I never really get involved in social gatherings or stuff like that. It’s just not my thing. I am super shy and I can be very awkward around new people. It’s become even more difficult for me since my anxiety kicked in too. I try to be nice and friendly to everyone though, but it’s just never easy for me to start a conversation or find something to talk about with a stranger or anyone I barely know and keep it interesting.

So, going on this trip was a big deal for me. I was nervous and worried about pretty much everything, like, what if her friends didn’t like me? What if I stuck out like a sore thumb among a group of people who love each other? What if I did something stupid and ruined everything? I kept asking myself, what the hell was I doing? Why was I putting myself in a vulnerable position with people I don’t know?

Sadturday

Halo! How was your weekend? I hope it went great. Mine was not fun at all. It was dead boring. I was very bored at home, everybody was yelling at each other, arguing over some silly stuff. I felt like I needed to get out of the house, away from these people, before I got depressed or overthinking about anything. My mood wasn’t good at all. I thought being alone was what I actually needed. So, I checked in at Artotel, Jakarta. Once in a while, I need this. I need some time on my own. It’s allowing me to focus on myself. No pressure, no stress, and no worries. Just me, enjoying my staycation. 

Anyway, I really enjoyed my staying at Artotel. It’s actually my second staying, just a few weeks after the first one. What I like about this hotel is their mural art. The building itself has "tattoos" around it. It’s a tattooed building! That’s how I see Artotel, haha. I really like this hotel because the exterior design isn’t like any other "normal" building, haha. Awesome artwork!!

A Good Loss

Hai, cutes! Wow, it’s been four months (or more?) since I’ve posted. I can’t believe I neglected this blog again. I can’t sustain regularly because I’m not disciplined enough to do so. I guess it’s official now: I am such a terrible blogger😅 Whoops! 

Anyway, I would like to take this time out to talk about something that’s been bugging me the past few weeks. I feel like I need to share this with you guys. Listen, this may sound like some kind of teenage stuff, but it’s still important and I really hope you can learn something good from my unpleasant experience, like, sometimes it’s okay to lose someone who hurts you or someone who doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them. Okay, get ready, this is going to be quite a long post. Here it goes...

Alonely

Hey, cutes...

Finally, it’s 2018. So, first of all, happy new year to all of you. I hope you had a lovely New Year break and enjoyed the time to chill with your family. Celebrating New Year is an old tradition. It’s when the town filled with colorful decorations. It's one of the happiest moments of almost everyone’s life. Almost everyone, because I don’t really see the point of celebrating new year somehow. It’s not quite fun and exciting for me. I mean, it’s always about the beginnings anyway. January 1 feels exactly the same as December 31 to me.

I still remember when I was a little girl, I thought something magical must happen in the middle of the night since all the grownups looked so happy about it. One night, my parents let me stay up past midnight. I was very excited to wait for that magical thing to happen. But… nothing happened. I never celebrate the New Year’s again since then. But I love fireworks though. I love to see fireworks lighting up the sky. It’s so beautiful and fun to watch. That’s my only reason to stay up late on new year. Well, I hope you all have a super fantastic year with lots of learning ahead. May God bless you with all the success and happiness you deserve.

Okay, enough talking about new year. Thank you so much for your lovely comments and tips on my last post about my anger issue. I’ve seen all of your comments and they’re making me cry—but in a good way, of course. I’m so touched at how nice and sweet you are to me. Reading all your comments really made my day.

Silent Anger

Hi! Thanks to all of you who took the time to leave a comment on my last post. It’s such a wonderful feeling to read all your kind words and good wishes. You are all so nice. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling terrible and now my chest hurts really bad like it’s cracking open. I often feel the pain in my chest when I feel upset. I have so much going on in my head that I don’t even know where to start to tell you. I feel like there are so many things wrong with me though my family thinks I’m fine. 

First of all, I have so much anger and disappointments in my life that I find it difficult to put in words. It makes me literally shake and it haunts me every day. It’s crazy how one little thing could ruin my whole mood easily. So much unneeded rage and it’s starting to get to me. No one sees it, of course, because I taught myself not to show my anger when I'm not alone. 

I can control my anger to the point where I don’t explode every time I get angry, but I can’t let my anger go either. I mean, whenever I’m angry at someone or something, I try very hard not to show it because the logical part in my brain suspects it’s an overreaction and I know that when I do explode, I will end up saying hurtful things. I don’t want to hurt anyone so I just keep it bottled and stored up to avoid all that.

I Miss My Childhood

Hey, beautiful people. Thank you so much for your nice and welcoming comments on my previous post. I’m so happy reading every single of them. I never thought blogging could be this fun. Seriously! It’s so good to interact with new people, since I don't really have friends 😔 For the first time in my life, I feel not only motivated, but also excited about blogging and sharing my stories with you.

Anyway, do you ever miss your childhood? I do think about it a lot lately. I miss those years so bad. I feel like, the older I get, the more I miss my childhood moments. Everything was so amazing and possible. I really miss the time when I thought that everything was in my reach, when I had so much fun on playground, when toys could give me so much joy, when I didn’t need to think about complicated things, when simple things made me happy, and life was full of dreams and fantasies.