I Will Not Lose

Have you ever had someone in your family who seems perfectly harmless to everyone else, sweet, innocent, the kind of person that people love, but the moment you're alone with them, something shifts?

Like a switch flips.

Suddenly you're not looking at the same person anymore. You're looking at a wolf that's just been wearing a very convincing sheep's costume.

Everyone else sees an angel. You see something else entirely. The moment the door closes and it's just the two of you, the sweetness disappears and what's left feels nothing like family.

Baking

I love baking. It's like therapy for me besides drawing. I love to feel flour on my palms and I don't mind getting dough underneath my fingernails.

Baking always makes me feel calm and happy. It's rejuvenating in a way that's hard to explain and there's real satisfaction in it too, especially at the end of the day when I have tried a new technique or created something entirely on my own.

My passion for baking started when I was still a little girl and I would sit at the edge of the kitchen table while my grandmother baked delicious cakes for me. I would pay attention to all the little details that she would make as she baked.

I was amazed by how eggs, milk, sugar, flour and a few other ingredients could create something so delicious. When I was little, I saw it as if it was almost like magic! It's incredible.

Helpless

Halo. I have a good news to share with you. Do you remember my nephew who fell off the stair railing at his school and ended up in a long coma because he fell with his head hitting the floor that caused him to suffer a brain damage? I wrote about him last year. Here, click the flower if you wanna read it: 🌸 

So, he is finally awake from awful trauma. It should be a good news, shouldn't it? Of course me and my family are glad that he's awake from a long sleep. After suffering from a brain damage, he spent two and a half years in a coma before he finally woke up. We never lose hope. In the years that passed, we never gave up on him. We always believed that one day he would wake up and it really happened! But... I somehow feel a little disappointed to see his condition.

Halas

*smiling innocently* 

Halo!! How are you, guys? I hope you are doing okay. 

I know that it has been months since my last update. Like, I promised myself that I would never neglect this blog but I wasn't quite in a good mood (and I still am not in a good mood) after writing about my nephew's fatal accident as it triggered me to have many sad flashbacks about him when he was still able to walk, play football, smile and laugh like there was nothing could stop him from being happy and enjoying his wonderful life.

I find it scary to see how quick life can change. It almost feels like just in a blink of eye your life is totally upside down. I am terribly sad for my nephew's health condition, but his accident also made me realize that I have never felt grateful for having some of the most important things in life; namely family, friends and the most important thing is, my health. Just to think about him not being able to do anything himself makes me realize how precious life really is and we all should be grateful that we are still be able to walk, to do almost everything by ourselves. How precious it is that we can still breathe without ventilator.

I hope you can learn something from my post. Please, please, for your own sake, think wisely before you make any reckless decision. Love yourself, love your life. Think about your family too. I hope you are always in good health❤️

Gesto

Halo! 

Thank you so much for wasting your precious time to read my last post and comment on it, haha. Someone advised me to drink milk instead of water after eating spicy food because water will only increase the burning sensation in your mouth and lips. 

I learned the hard way. But I feel better now. I will never eat spicy food again. I would rather eat nothing than eat spicy food that causes me to suffer later. Bah! 

I vomited so much blood that night. No joke. I turned my bathroom into a crime scene that night.. lol.  

Anyway, I want to share something with you. This is  VERY important. I was browsing through my twitter and saw this video. I don't know whose video this is, but I got it from Extreme Videos.  

I don't know about you, but it's quite disturbing to me. You might think it's just a funny entertaining video, but it's actually not funny at all.  

 Seriously, please DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!

 

Let me explain to you why this is not funny or entertaining. My 13-year-old nephew did this at school. He slid down the stair railing like it was a slide, then fell and hit his head on the concrete floor. 

None of his friends or teachers thought he would end up in a long coma, because after he fell, he still looked fine and had no external injuries. He even got up by himself and walked away like nothing had happened. He was in shock from falling from the second floor, of course, but he was still able to speak and walk independently at the time. What they didn't know was that he actually had a cerebral hemorrhage.

Baby

I swear I will never eat spicy food again!!!!!!!

Handmade Notebook

I made my first notebook ever! I followed a simple tutorial video on YouTube and I'm quite happy with the result. What else can I do during this boring self-quarantine though? I need a new small notebook but the malls are close due to the large-scale social restrictions that has been implemented in my city so I can't go anywhere to get a new one.

I'm so happy and so proud of myself that I can make something instead of buying. Everybody knows that buying things is easy, but I think making them yourself is more fun! I think it‘s gonna be a good idea to open my own handmade notebook store, haha. Joke.

I know, this is just a simple notebook. It looks messy. I don't have paper cutting machine, paper trimmer or anything like that. My handmade notebook is so nothing compared to those fancy notebooks you find at any stationery store in the mall, but I'm very proud of myself that I can actually make my own notebook. It's my first time making my own notebook and I'm so happy how it turns out. Hehe.

Oke. That's it for today. I hope you have a good day.

Bunnies

Oh, wow! It has been a few months since my last update. I am really not a good blogger, hehe. There are times when I want to post something but too lazy to do so. You see, consistency is my biggest problem here. 

Anyway, how are you during the Covid-19 outbreak? So far there's been no lockdown in Indonesia though people have been urged to work from home and not visit malls, restaurants, parks, and not to travel at all unless it's essential. 

There's a Starbucks near my house. People are still going out and hanging out with their buddies there like we're having no issue at all 😐 

I read somewhere that Starbucks in US is remained open for customers purchasing takeout only to reduce the spread of the corona virus. But not here. I guess many of us still don't take this whole situation seriously.

Merry Christmas!

Halo, everyone. How are you? Wow, it's been a long time since the last time I updated my blog. So much has happened since August. Some issues seem not getting any better like they should. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop. Now I’m just trying to hold on, be strong and keep my sanity. The last few months, I've been trying to keep myself busy so I won’t be too stressful or sad about my problems and all the things going on in my family. 

Anyway, it's past midnight and I haven't slept even a minute. I keep coughing and feel like I'm trying to clear my lungs but coughing just makes me cough more. My throat hurts so bad from coughing. My nose is so stuffed that I have to breathe through my mouth, which just makes it even worse. I'm super tired but I have this horrible cough that is not allowing me to sleep. Oh, poor me😢

Drawing Is My Therapy

Halo. How are you? 

Ever since I was little, I always like to draw because it's fun to me. Drawing always works to make me feel relaxed and forget all my problems for a while. It's like my other way to express my feelings beside blogging. 

Actually, drawing has helped me through difficult times to cope with my anxiety in ways I can't put into words. When I draw, I feel like I get lost in my own little world, where the only two things that exist are the subject of my drawing and me. 

It feels so good to let my imagination go on a piece of paper. It's a really fun way to kill time. I could spend hours just to draw one subject. I would rather choose  drawing than going out somewhere with some friends. Haha, weird? Wait, do I even have friends?

Chocolate Candies

Halo, thank you so much for the comments on my last post. Some of you write a very long comment and I appreciate that you took the time to type it all down. It happened long ago but it still makes me feel very disappointed and sad sometimes, and reading your comments really made my day. 

Okay, so now let’s talk about something light. Mm, who loves chocolate? All we need is love, but hey, a little chocolate won’t hurt, right? Why, they say chocolate is actually good for your heart and and it lifts your mood too. Now, can you beat that? 

I've always loved chocolate so much and I really enjoy making them for friends and family! It's very relaxing and it's my escape from stress. I never thought that one day I’d really love and enjoy making chocolate as much as I love and enjoy eating them. Making chocolate is a new experience to me, and I must say it’s fun and exciting.

Doormat

Halo, there! Have you ever had enough of someone's attitude, selfishness or mistreatment? Have you ever gotten to the point where you just couldn’t take anymore of the way someone is treating you? 

There are times when I feel like I am nothing more than just a tool to some people. I'm sick and tired when they call me only when they need my help but they act as if I'm not existed when they don't need me. It makes me think that they want to be my friends just to treat me like a doormat.

Appreciation Post

So, last month I wrote about how sad I was because I felt like all my problems seemed to never end, how I wished my life was easier and everything was just simpler. Some of you tried to leave a comment on my last post but I decided to disable the comment section, so sorry for that. I thought it was a pathetic post (I actually still think it is) so I didn’t want you all to think that I was seeking for some attention from you or whatever since my posts are mostly sad. I also didn’t want you to feel like you are obligated to comment on my last post just because I did on yours. I was stressed out of my mind, scared and so overwhelmed with my problems. I just wanted to write how I really felt on my blog to make me feel better as writing is like a therapy for me. That’s all.

Don’t ask me where all those thoughts come from because I really can’t even explain it to you. I guess it’s because I’m always insecure about almost everything. I’m always worried about what other people think or say about me. Some of you probably think I’m being silly for thinking that way, but I just can’t stop these thoughts invading my mind.

Quicksand

Halo, everyone. How are you? I hope you're all doing great. I know it's been a while since I've written a blog post, no apologize. To be fair, I didn't feel like writing another post again for a few months. Uh, well, eventually I learned I had to let that attitude go. 

There are many times when I am all alone and everything is quiet, especially at night, I start questioning myself about my life, like… why my life is so hard and my struggles so arduous. A big part of me cannot understand why I have to face so many problems that seem to never end and why I can’t just live a less stressful life, but the more I think about it, the more I get so frustrated, and then I end up crying myself to sleep like a sad, sad little girl. How silly. 

I know that nobody has a perfect life and that everyone has at least one problem in their life, of course. But to be honest, I am so sick of my family problems and my own too. I’m sick that they can’t act their age. I’m sick of getting my hopes up for nothing. I’m tired of trying and not getting any results. I don’t know how long I can hold on. It seems like things just keep getting worse for me. 

I feel like… I’m being trapped in quicksands. I am thankful that my head is above the sand so I can still see, hear, breathe and speak, but I know I’m about to drown and I don’t know what to do. If I move, I will sink deeper. And that makes me feel afraid and worried. I’m worried if I do something, it will cause me nothing but even more trouble. I know I have to think and act fast in order to save my life, but heck, I’m stuck and I’m too afraid to do anything.

Escaping To Bali

Halo, cutes! How are you all doing? I hope everything is going awesome with you guys. Eh, guess what? I ran away from home… AGAIN, haha. So, my cool friend who lives in Kuala Lumpur texted me on Tuesday night, saying she would be in Bali with her 2 other friends by the weekend and she invited me to join her 5 days trip.

The first thing that popped into my mind was my awkwardness around new people. All my life, I’ve sheltered myself. I never have many friends since I never really get involved in social gatherings or stuff like that. It’s just not my thing. I am super shy and I can be very awkward around new people. It’s become even more difficult for me since my anxiety kicked in too. I try to be nice and friendly to everyone though, but it’s just never easy for me to start a conversation or find something to talk about with a stranger or anyone I barely know and keep it interesting.

So, going on this trip was a big deal for me. I was nervous and worried about pretty much everything, like, what if her friends didn’t like me? What if I stuck out like a sore thumb among a group of people who love each other? What if I did something stupid and ruined everything? I kept asking myself, what the hell was I doing? Why was I putting myself in a vulnerable position with people I don’t know?

Sadturday

Halo! How was your weekend? I hope it went great. Mine was not fun at all. It was dead boring. I was very bored at home, everybody was yelling at each other, arguing over some silly stuff. I felt like I needed to get out of the house, away from these people, before I got depressed or overthinking about anything. My mood wasn’t good at all. I thought being alone was what I actually needed. So, I checked in at Artotel, Jakarta. Once in a while, I need this. I need some time on my own. It’s allowing me to focus on myself. No pressure, no stress, and no worries. Just me, enjoying my staycation. 

Anyway, I really enjoyed my staying at Artotel. It’s actually my second staying, just a few weeks after the first one. What I like about this hotel is their mural art. The building itself has "tattoos" around it. It’s a tattooed building! That’s how I see Artotel, haha. I really like this hotel because the exterior design isn’t like any other "normal" building, haha. Awesome artwork!!

A Good Loss

Hai, cutes! Wow, it’s been four months (or more?) since I’ve posted. I can’t believe I neglected this blog again. I can’t sustain regularly because I’m not disciplined enough to do so. I guess it’s official now: I am such a terrible blogger😅 Whoops! 

Anyway, I would like to take this time out to talk about something that’s been bugging me the past few weeks. I feel like I need to share this with you guys. Listen, this may sound like some kind of teenage stuff, but it’s still important and I really hope you can learn something good from my unpleasant experience, like, sometimes it’s okay to lose someone who hurts you or someone who doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them. Okay, get ready, this is going to be quite a long post. Here it goes...

Alonely

Hey, cutes...

Finally, it’s 2018. So, first of all, happy new year to all of you. I hope you had a lovely New Year break and enjoyed the time to chill with your family. Celebrating New Year is an old tradition. It’s when the town filled with colorful decorations. It's one of the happiest moments of almost everyone’s life. Almost everyone, because I don’t really see the point of celebrating new year somehow. It’s not quite fun and exciting for me. I mean, it’s always about the beginnings anyway. January 1 feels exactly the same as December 31 to me.

I still remember when I was a little girl, I thought something magical must happen in the middle of the night since all the grownups looked so happy about it. One night, my parents let me stay up past midnight. I was very excited to wait for that magical thing to happen. But… nothing happened. I never celebrate the New Year’s again since then. But I love fireworks though. I love to see fireworks lighting up the sky. It’s so beautiful and fun to watch. That’s my only reason to stay up late on new year. Well, I hope you all have a super fantastic year with lots of learning ahead. May God bless you with all the success and happiness you deserve.

Okay, enough talking about new year. Thank you so much for your lovely comments and tips on my last post about my anger issue. I’ve seen all of your comments and they’re making me cry—but in a good way, of course. I’m so touched at how nice and sweet you are to me. Reading all your comments really made my day.

Silent Anger

Hi! Thanks to all of you who took the time to leave a comment on my last post. It’s such a wonderful feeling to read all your kind words and good wishes. You are all so nice. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling terrible and now my chest hurts really bad like it’s cracking open. I often feel the pain in my chest when I feel upset. I have so much going on in my head that I don’t even know where to start to tell you. I feel like there are so many things wrong with me though my family thinks I’m fine. 

First of all, I have so much anger and disappointments in my life that I find it difficult to put in words. It makes me literally shake and it haunts me every day. It’s crazy how one little thing could ruin my whole mood easily. So much unneeded rage and it’s starting to get to me. No one sees it, of course, because I taught myself not to show my anger when I'm not alone. 

I can control my anger to the point where I don’t explode every time I get angry, but I can’t let my anger go either. I mean, whenever I’m angry at someone or something, I try very hard not to show it because the logical part in my brain suspects it’s an overreaction and I know that when I do explode, I will end up saying hurtful things. I don’t want to hurt anyone so I just keep it bottled and stored up to avoid all that.

I Miss My Childhood

Hey, beautiful people. Thank you so much for your nice and welcoming comments on my previous post. I’m so happy reading every single of them. I never thought blogging could be this fun. Seriously! It’s so good to interact with new people, since I don't really have friends 😔 For the first time in my life, I feel not only motivated, but also excited about blogging and sharing my stories with you.

Anyway, do you ever miss your childhood? I do think about it a lot lately. I miss those years so bad. I feel like, the older I get, the more I miss my childhood moments. Everything was so amazing and possible. I really miss the time when I thought that everything was in my reach, when I had so much fun on playground, when toys could give me so much joy, when I didn’t need to think about complicated things, when simple things made me happy, and life was full of dreams and fantasies.